6 Days.

It’s been 6 days now without you. I’m not crying as much, but it is hard to actually do anything. It feels like I am in a weird half dimension or something where I’m here but I’m not here.

There are so many things I want to say to you and it is hard knowing that I will never see your smile, never feel your touch, never hear you voice again, except from videos or pictures. I can’t believe this is my life now and I am left here struggling on without you.

We played the songs you wanted at the wedding at your funeral, the words have a different meaning now. I want you to be proud of me and I don’t want to just be laying in bed all day but I can’t seem to get the motivation to do anything as it all seems pointless without you here. I have been taking Dingo a walk, done short workouts and tried to do some of my course earlier but my mind is not where it should be.

My brain feels like it won’t stop. One minute it is thinking about you, the next minute it’s thinking that you’re not here, the next it’s thinking of all the things we won’t get to do together. It’s sad, it’s angry and I try to tell myself to do some things each day as I know you would hate to see me this sad, but it’s hard and I’m so tired. I want someone to take it all away, but the only way to do that is for you to come back and it is impossible.

I feel guilty if I do anything and guilty if I don’t. Like if I do things it’s abandoning you and if I don’t do things it is wasting the days that I have that you haven’t. They say that the pain and sadness shows how much you loved the person and I wish you knew how much I love you.

I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much you helped me through the last 6 years together. I don’t know how I will make it through the next years without you. I love you