Happy Valentine’s Day… I can’t believe it is one week since I last spoke to you. It’s weird how you sent me that picture of yourself as you didn’t send that many selfies, but I’m glad you did. I was going to make some cookies today but I spent all morning in bed. You were so excited about the gift you had got me for Valentine’s, your mum is going to call me when it arrives, it’s weird, like one final gift after you’re gone.
In some ways I think to myself it would be easier for people if their partner died after being ill, as you sort of expect it, but I don’t think it would have been. They have to deal with the weeks, months or years of illness and suffering before death and I think that is almost worse. I never expected that I would be 34 years old and a widow, but then I don’t think anyone does.
I wish I believed in God because then I could think you are in some better place or whatever and you were taken for a reason, but I don’t. I’d like to know what I have done wrong, Mum says nothing but it feels like I must have to be given this to deal with. People say that the grief never goes, you learn to deal with it and that scares me. I want to go back to a week ago and stay there forever, with you here.
I’m already a different person to who you knew. I’m trying not to be angry and see the good in things, look at the flowers and see how pretty they are, hear the wind in the trees, listen to the birds, have compassion. I don’t want to turn bitter. I don’t think I will ever be the same again, I don’t think anyone is, but then I wasn’t the same when I met you as I was before.
I don’t want to move forward and do things without you. I don’t want to buy new things or do new things that I can’t tell you about or that you haven’t seen but I know I will have to.
I’ve asked to go back to work Thursday and Friday just for the morning, I think it is better than sitting in bed all day and the kids might cheer me up a bit. I’ll try my best to keep you being proud of me like you always were. I love you