It is a weird feeling. I feel like I am living in a world that is a different place. Like I am a ghost floating around. It’s like everything is normal, but it’s not and it won’t be again. But everyone is carrying on as normal, the lorries are still driving on the road, the post still arrives, people cut their trees and I feel like I am stuck in a place where I don’t want to be. Now, I’m not saying I want to kill myself, because I know he wouldn’t have wanted that and I don’t really believe there is a place we will “meet again” so there is no point. But I also don’t want to be here.
I want to rewind and just be with him constantly. The words to songs have different meanings now. I have never slept so much. Today I ate breakfast at 10.50, he would have loved that! I keep dreaming about work, because I am going back Thursday. I’m sure it will be fine, although I know it will be hard. I just hope I can focus for the kids. I’ve been doing my online course, although it is difficult to concentrate at times.
I haven’t really cried that much today. I just feel like I am walking around being sad. I don’t know why I can’t cry, now I feel guilty for that too.